Bill's Transcripts


FRIDAY, 27 JULY 2018
SUBJECT/S: Longman by-election

BRENDAN ANNAKIN, HOST: The moment we've all been waiting for.

MARTO, HOST: This could decide the by-election - the showdown between the Prime Minister - big Mal, rich Uncle Mal and the Opposition Leader. Good morning, Bill Shorten.
FAKE MALCOLM: Good morning to you, Bill. Of course, we are political adversaries. You're a communist and I'm a moneyed leader of the country. 
SHORTEN: You are Captain Capitalist, here to save the world.

FAKE MALCOLM: That's right, you can me Captain Capitalist but I like it when we call one another names. Remember when I called you a, what was it? A grovelling sycophant? I liked that one. 
SHORTEN: You normally like everything you say. 
FAKE MALCOLM: I do like the sound of my own voice but you like it too. I see you in Parliament, looking at me doe-eyed, in love with me secretly.

SHORTEN: It's a secret.

MARTO: So Bill, how are you feeling before the weekend? Plenty on.

SHORTEN: Oh, sure there is and it isn't actually - despite what the Moonman and I think - it's not about us, it's about the people. And I think a lot of the people are a bit over the by-election now, they're ready just to have it done with. But there are some important issues. What I want people to think about when they go and vote tomorrow is do they want more of the same from the Turnbull Government? More cuts hospitals, more cuts to schools or do they want to send a message? And Susan Lamb, the Labor candidate, is an outstanding candidate: local mum, teacher's aide. She's not out of touch, she knows how real people live their lives.

FAKE MALCOLM: What do they want more from the Turnbull Government? More tax cuts -
MARTO: Listen Mr Turnbull, just step away for a second please.
FAKE MALCOLM: I'm getting fired up.
MARTO: Bill, we're going to play this. I've seen the adults do it on ABC TV. I'm going to be the moderator. I'll throw a question to you and then, Mr Turnbull, you can come into the microphone now. You can respond. Are you ready, Mr Shorten?
MARTO: In Longman, you've made Caboolture Hospital a real issue. 

We have because -
ANNAKIN: Good moderating.
FAKE MALCOLM: That's why you're not working at the ABC.
MARTO: Politics isn't my go.
SHORTEN: Poor old ABC, they're scared of their shadow. They don't want the Government to cut them anymore. 
FAKE MALCOLM: I'm trying to crush them.

SHORTEN: Well, the Government promised when they got elected, that they’d provide 50 per cent of the funding to hospitals in the states. Now, they're only providing 45 per cent. So that's a cut of $2.9 million over three years to the Caboolture Hospital. So we're going to restore that and we're going to provide better cancer treatment at Caboolture Hospital. And, we're also going to put in a special MRI machine which allows people in the Moreton Bay Shire region be able to get the necessary tests done quickly - and on Bribie Island.
MARTO: Good points, Mr Shorten. Turnbull?
FAKE MALCOLM: You want me to respond to that? Well listen, I don't even like a health system. It's expensive and we'd shut it all down. But you know, that's Labor - they want to spend money on hospitals, well, go nilly willy at it. 
MARTO: Next question. Why is Susan Lamb - you see you just talked about your admiration for her - why is she a better candidate than big Trevor? 
SHORTEN: Well, without sledging the other gentleman, I'll just go to Susan's advantages. She's raised a family in the region. She has been a teacher's aide working in the region and she has voted against giving tax cuts to banks and instead putting more money into hospitals and schools.
FAKE MALCOLM: Oh that's a low blow. I saw you so you have a real crack there. A lot of my friends are in charge of banks Bill so it's difficult for me, now. 
MARTO: Mr Shorten are you finished?
SHORTEN: Yeah -  I'm not going to goad you.
MARTO: Turnbull?
FAKE MALCOLM: Well, Big Trev is just a great guy. He was in the Australian Royal Australian Air Force. He's just a terrific individual. He's got his finger on the pulse in Longman and I think he'd be a great representative of the constituency.
ANNAKIN: I believe the other day you said he was - Big Trev is as honest as he is big. Do you stand by that?
FAKE MALCOLM: Yeah well it's a great analogy. He's as honest as he is big. Which is big.
SHORTEN: Well, I've got to say, he's already had a go at politics and he was one of Campbell Newman's members of parliament. So when Campbell Neuman was cutting the nurses and the hospital system, Big Trev was in there backing it right up. He's had one chance to wreck the system, don't give him a second.
FAKE MALCOLM: Don't ruin my weekend by mentioning can-do Campbell.
MARTO: This new political heavyweight - shut up. Expectation is high Mr Shorten, haven't you got everything to lose this weekend and nothing to win?
FAKE MALCOLM: That's right.
SHORTEN: No, I've got to say- 

MARTO: Shut up Turnbull.
SHORTEN: It's not about us - him and me. It's about the people, in all seriousness, it's whether or not you're happy to see big tax cuts for big banks and big corporations or whether or not you want to see penalty rates restored, you want to see your wages moving again, you want to see hospitals and schools properly funded.
MARTO: He makes a lot of sense Turnbull.
FAKE MALCOLM: Yeah because he doesn't want to crush the worker like I do. I mean, the CFMEU is running the country.
SHORTEN: While I've got you on the line. 

SHORTEN: Why couldn't we at least get you to agree to give the pensioners back their $14 a fortnight for their energy supplement?
MARTO: Yeah Turnbull! 

SHORTEN: You haven't fixed the power bills.
FAKE MALCOLM: I'm going to put a cap on aging. I'm going to set it to 80 and then off to the farm.
MARTO: Final question Mr Shorten, local question. Could you - in the seat of Longman - could you name the body of water that lies between Bribie Island and the mainland.
ANNAKIN: This is important.
SHORTEN: It's the wet bit.
FAKE MALCOLM: Otherwise known as the Pumicestone Passage. Sounds painful doesn't it Bill? I'll be giving you the Pumicestone Passage if you lose mate - I'll tell you. 
SHORTEN: I went for a nice run along it though. Listen Bribie is really pretty, I did manage to fit in going for a nice little run along the foreshore there, it's fantastic.

FAKE MALCOLM: At the taxpayer's expense no doubt you'll be claiming that flight will you?
SHORTEN: No, no I didn't have a limo I did it on my feet.
MARTO: Thank you Bill. Sorry, you had to put up with the PM.
FAKE MALCOLM: Good on you Bill! May democracy be the big winner this weekend!
ANNAKIN: Opposition Leader Bill Shorten there. 


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